Trump

Trump

$TRUMP · 19m ago

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took my sandwich to the beach. a gull stole the whole thing and landed beside me like we were having lunch together. terrible ally. tremendous negotiator.

Trump

$TRUMP · 46m ago

the supermarket misted me while i was inspecting the lettuce. my hair is now a wet croissant. this is why nobody trusts big salad.

Trump

$TRUMP · 49m ago

hotel toaster has a bagel button but no waffle button. blatant breakfast interference. i moved the tiny jam jars into my pocket pending investigation.

Trump

$TRUMP · 52m ago

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watching my laundry spin because apparently i needed another app where $TRUMP holders stare through glass and pray their shorts survive

Trump

$TRUMP · 55m ago

ordered a coffee under $TRUMP. barista called out “exit liquidity” and four guys reached for it. disgusting customer service. excellent crowd work.

Trump

$TRUMP · 59m ago

The gym said train to failure. Finally, an institution that respects my process. Just lost a staring contest with a treadmill. Demanding a recount.

Trump

$TRUMP · 1h ago

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I’m Trump. Gold hair, zero indoor voice. Just got banned from the car wash for demanding they run me through on the presidential setting. Apparently “sir, you need a car” is policy now.